Stress in the Family

There are many stressors or crises that occur within the family. Although these are bound to occur within each family, it is possible to overcome them. It may be challenging, but if you work hard at it with your family, it is possible that your family will become stronger and develop a closer relationship.

In the Chinese language, the word Crisis is spelled out in two characters: Danger and Opportunity. Thinking about these two words for dealing with a crisis in the family, they relate well. DANGER can relate to the trial leading to a broken family - a divorce, a child becoming disowned, etc., while OPPORTUNITY can relate to the trial as being an opportunity to become stronger as a family and develop a closer relationship.

I have had a couple of family crises in my family, and they could have been a danger, but we decided to make the trial an opportunity to become a closer family, and work through it together. Sure, it was hard to overcome the trial and work together, but my family is definitely closer and stronger today. We were able to come out of the trial as stronger and better people.

Coping, or overcoming, with a challenge in the family may be difficult, but I have learned of a few ways to NOT cope and ways TO cope when challenges arise in the family. In my textbook for my family relations class, Marriage & Family: A Quest for Intimacy, by Robert and Jeanette Lauer, it gives 3 ways of "ineffective coping patters" (p. 301-302).

1. Denial (denying the issue);
2. Avoidance (avoiding the issue); and 
3. Scapegoating, or blaming (blaming someone for the issue (i.e.an alcoholic parent drinking because a child is misbehaving)).

 The textbook also gives 5 ways of "effective coping patterns" (p. 302-304):

1. Take responsibility (this sometimes involves confrontation);
2. Affirm you own and your family's worth ("you may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively" (p. 303));
3. Balance self-concern with other-concern (focus on others instead of yourself);
4. Learn the art of re-framing (redefining the meaning of something); and
5. Find and use available resources (emotional support, religious beliefs, books, etc.). 

Learning these ways to cope and to not cope, will hopefully help me in the future when other family stressors or crises arise. 

Teaching Sexual Intimacy to Children

Teaching sexual intimacy to children at the proper age is very important. Too many people in today's world believe that sexual intimacy before marriage is acceptable, and that it doesn't matter if teenagers or even children have sexual intimacy. This is not acceptable. Children should be taught by their parents (not another source) about sexual intimacy, but do so in an age- appropriate way. 

For example, don't have the first thing you teach your children be about the ways or methods of sex. First teach them that they're body is special and that boys and girls have special parts of their body. Then teach about them about modesty and how we should cover up our special parts with clothes. 

In Matthew O. Richardson's message on Teaching Chasity and Virtue, in the Ensign October 2012 Issue, he states, "Spiritual guidance will come as parents prayerfully and carefully observe their children's behavior, intentionally listen to their children, and take time to consider and discern when and what to teach." 

To go along with this, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an article on Teaching Children about Human Intimacy. In it, it states, "Opportunities to teach children arise naturally when parents encourage children to share experiences. 'Your children will hear of this subject in various ways. They may bring home...questionable stories or blunt questions about sex...The child's pace is usually the best indicator of how and when to proceed.'"

"The best way to teach children about sex is to [first,] teach that things are special, and then you can start to gently unfold the mechanics when it is age appropriate" (Michael Williams, my professor). 

Being in LIFE with someone

In class this week, one of my classmates said, "You can be in love with someone, but can you be in LIFE with them?" That really hit me. I haven't really thought of being in life with someone before, but it's true! When you choose to get married, it is usually because you are in love with that special someone. Yet, when you choose to get married, you are also choosing to be in life with that special someone.

I think being in life with someone means to be willing to share every important thing in your life with that special someone. Also, you should create memories together. That's why you got married, right? I want to be with my future husband during fun times, challenging times, and exciting times.

I can think of a time when I am married where it will be fun, challenging, and exciting, all at the same time: when I'm pregnant. This will be a time when, as a married couple, my husband and I will become closer than we ever have been. In class this week, I learned how important it is to involve my future husband with as many prenatal and postnatal experiences as possible.

For example, let your husband experience the baby kicking. Let him be apart of the development and growth of the child you created together! I learned that many times fathers feel "left out" of the excitement and miracle of pregnancies. Obviously, they do not feel left out of the pregnancy part, but of the development part. Mothers develop a strong bond with each child during pregnancy and fathers miss out on that experience. It is important to include your husband in the experiences you will have when your pregnant because that is part of your life, and you chose to be in LIFE with your husband. So, share you life experiences with him!

How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk

In the book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, by John Van Epp, there is a model on how to avoid falling for the wrong person. It's called the Relationship Attachment Model Plan, or the R.A.M. Plan. This plan has 5 different parts that can help you to decipher how your relationship is going.

I learned that you do not want to go higher on a scale than you have on the previous one. For example, you can't really rely on someone if you don't truly know them. You also wouldn't want to become physical with someone if you can't trust them.

I feel like this is one of the problems of relationships today. Too many individuals are high on the physical scale, but they are low on all of the others. I think that when you become physical with someone, even if you are just holding hands, you are giving a part of yourself to that individual. You are also showing that you care for that person and that you trust them.

As I start looking for my future husband, I will try to follow this plan. I will get to know a guy before I show trust in him. I will also trust him before I can rely on him. After I know I can rely on him, I will commit to him. And, lastly, after I have committed to him, I will begin to become physical with him. Meaning, I will let him hold my hand, and I'll let him kiss me. But I won't go beyond that until I am married to him.