The "First Marriage"

Divorce is a common thing in the world today. Many reasons why divorce may occur is because the couple has communication problems, financial problems, boredom with the marriage, or they are falling in love with someone else. These are very serious and can break a family apart. When a couple chooses to divorce, it has been discovered that within 2 years, 70% of American men are remarried. However, many children do not like the idea of remarriage because the new parent may never live up to their expectations or may never compare to their previous parent. This is especially true when a parent remarries after their spouse passes away.

Brother Williams, my professor, said, "When spouses and parents die, they are put on a pedestal, and it's definitely harder to find and accept someone to take their place."

When parents remarry, the new spouse is often viewed as a good aunt or uncle. Aunts and uncles are fun, supportive, and (usually) not controlling--they do not discipline their nieces and nephews unless they have to. Brother Williams said "Only parents should give the heavy discipline". As I thought about why this was important, I came to the conclusion that if the step-parent gives the discipline, it gives the children a reason to resent their new parent. However, when their biological parent gives discipline, that is expected because they are their "true" parent.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "Many people think of the first marriage as a 'starter marriage'; like a starter home--one you live in for a while until you move on". This is sad to think that some people go into marriage thinking that it will be their first marriage and they are not going to be in it forever. If people can think of marriage as the first and last time to find a companion, I would hope to see improvement in lasting marriages and see a decrease in divorce rates.

The "right" way to parent

I believe there is a right way to parent children. That is to be respected, trusted, and having clear boundaries that can be negotiable. There are 3 different types of parenting:

1. Authoritarian: approach is to maximize control and to expect unquestioning obedience
2. Authoritative: approach is to put boundaries on acceptable behavior within a warm, accepting context
3. Permissive: approach is to minimize any control

Authoritarian and Permissive parenting deals more with the parents. Authoritarian parents are more dictators while permissive parents want to be their child's best friend. Some examples of authoritarian and permissive parenting are found in movies: Willi Wonka and Brave. 

I believe Authoritative parenting is the "right" way to parent. Parents listen to their children and correct them in a loving, yet, sometimes firm, manner. The parents are trusted and, at times, relied on by their children. An example of this style of parenting is from the TV show Full House. 

My professor Michael Williams said that, "Many parents think of how to get their child to behave a certain way rather than how to parent them a certain way". This is so true. At the end of the Willi Wonka YouTube clip, the mother says, "Happiness is what counts with children; happiness and harmony". Though this may be true at times, this shouldn't be how we raise our children. We should have rules, or guidelines, that our children should follow so that we can teach them different life lessons. We should also be understanding of our children so that we can listen and correct them when necessary and earn their trust. 

Fathers & Finances

People believe that money is the most important thing that a family can have, but I believe the most important thing a family can have is a FATHER. Sure, money is important, but fathers are more crucial in a child's development. In a PowerPoint that A&T State University published about the Importance of Fatherhood, they stated that fathers who are absent from the home will have daughters who will more likely have a teen pregnancy, have sons who are more aggressive, and have children who are unsure of their gender-specific roles (A&T State University).

Brother Williams, my professor, said that many boys who grow-up without a father in the home are more likely to be confused about what their gender-specific roles are. It is common that boys grow-up watching what mom's do all day, but they do not know what fathers do-- because they are either non-existent in the home, or they are always gone working and providing for the family. In the olden days, boys knew what they were supposed to do when they grew up because they would always be out working with dad on the farm. Yet, today, there is a little more uncertainty.

It is possible that, since money is so important in people's lives, that people could" refer to the family as HIS work, and HER kids" (Brother Williams). This is sad, because fathers should have an equal role in raising his children along with his wife. They should be raising their children together and not have life divided into work and kids.

Brother Williams also said that. "Work use to be about life, but now life seems to be about work." I agree. So many individuals think that life revolves around work because you need to have money to be happy. But that is not true. I don't think money can bring you happiness, but I know families can bring happiness, especially when you have a father.

Communicating Clearly

Communication within a family is very important. Not only is communicating about challenges important, it is also important to communicate on a regular basis. If couples only communicated about the problems they were having, they could create a tense relationship. Yet, if couples communicated on a regular basis-- talking about their days, their hopes, and their dreams-- they will be able to talk about problems easier because they are use to communicating with one another about normal, everyday things.

The most important thing about communication is to know how to communicate CLEARLY. My professor, Michael Williams, explained to the class how communication is broken down into three categories of mis-communication: words, tone, and non-verbal.

Verbal: Words	14%
Verbal: Tone	35%
Non-verbal	51%
	100%

Non-verbal communication is the type of communication that is often misunderstood. This type of communication can be anything. It can be body language, the way you dress, how long you look at someone, or even the timing of your laughter.

Communication can be very difficult to clearly understand. I do not like texting that often because of how often text messages can be misunderstood. They can be misunderstood because of how common sarcasm is. There are many times where I want to text a sarcastic comment back to someone, but I know they may take it as offensive when I really meant to be funny.

Spencer W. Kimball, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once said, "You need to communicate so clearly that you not only can be understood, but also so that you cannot be misunderstood." I love this. We need to learn how to communicate in a way that will will never be misunderstood. Some ways we can do this is:

1. Don't beat around the bush. Don't "walk around" your feelings-- say what you're thinking (but if it is an offensive comment, either say it kindly or don't say it at all);
2. Be an active listener. Actually listen to what someone is saying so that you can respond correctly and in an understanding way; and
3. Have "soft-startings". Don't be hostile when you lead into a conversation. Be gentle about how you approach discussing an issue or concern. 

We should learn how to communicate more clearly so that we will not have the challenge of constantly being misunderstood. 

Stress in the Family

There are many stressors or crises that occur within the family. Although these are bound to occur within each family, it is possible to overcome them. It may be challenging, but if you work hard at it with your family, it is possible that your family will become stronger and develop a closer relationship.

In the Chinese language, the word Crisis is spelled out in two characters: Danger and Opportunity. Thinking about these two words for dealing with a crisis in the family, they relate well. DANGER can relate to the trial leading to a broken family - a divorce, a child becoming disowned, etc., while OPPORTUNITY can relate to the trial as being an opportunity to become stronger as a family and develop a closer relationship.

I have had a couple of family crises in my family, and they could have been a danger, but we decided to make the trial an opportunity to become a closer family, and work through it together. Sure, it was hard to overcome the trial and work together, but my family is definitely closer and stronger today. We were able to come out of the trial as stronger and better people.

Coping, or overcoming, with a challenge in the family may be difficult, but I have learned of a few ways to NOT cope and ways TO cope when challenges arise in the family. In my textbook for my family relations class, Marriage & Family: A Quest for Intimacy, by Robert and Jeanette Lauer, it gives 3 ways of "ineffective coping patters" (p. 301-302).

1. Denial (denying the issue);
2. Avoidance (avoiding the issue); and 
3. Scapegoating, or blaming (blaming someone for the issue (i.e.an alcoholic parent drinking because a child is misbehaving)).

 The textbook also gives 5 ways of "effective coping patterns" (p. 302-304):

1. Take responsibility (this sometimes involves confrontation);
2. Affirm you own and your family's worth ("you may have to remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope effectively" (p. 303));
3. Balance self-concern with other-concern (focus on others instead of yourself);
4. Learn the art of re-framing (redefining the meaning of something); and
5. Find and use available resources (emotional support, religious beliefs, books, etc.). 

Learning these ways to cope and to not cope, will hopefully help me in the future when other family stressors or crises arise. 

Teaching Sexual Intimacy to Children

Teaching sexual intimacy to children at the proper age is very important. Too many people in today's world believe that sexual intimacy before marriage is acceptable, and that it doesn't matter if teenagers or even children have sexual intimacy. This is not acceptable. Children should be taught by their parents (not another source) about sexual intimacy, but do so in an age- appropriate way. 

For example, don't have the first thing you teach your children be about the ways or methods of sex. First teach them that they're body is special and that boys and girls have special parts of their body. Then teach about them about modesty and how we should cover up our special parts with clothes. 

In Matthew O. Richardson's message on Teaching Chasity and Virtue, in the Ensign October 2012 Issue, he states, "Spiritual guidance will come as parents prayerfully and carefully observe their children's behavior, intentionally listen to their children, and take time to consider and discern when and what to teach." 

To go along with this, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an article on Teaching Children about Human Intimacy. In it, it states, "Opportunities to teach children arise naturally when parents encourage children to share experiences. 'Your children will hear of this subject in various ways. They may bring home...questionable stories or blunt questions about sex...The child's pace is usually the best indicator of how and when to proceed.'"

"The best way to teach children about sex is to [first,] teach that things are special, and then you can start to gently unfold the mechanics when it is age appropriate" (Michael Williams, my professor). 

Being in LIFE with someone

In class this week, one of my classmates said, "You can be in love with someone, but can you be in LIFE with them?" That really hit me. I haven't really thought of being in life with someone before, but it's true! When you choose to get married, it is usually because you are in love with that special someone. Yet, when you choose to get married, you are also choosing to be in life with that special someone.

I think being in life with someone means to be willing to share every important thing in your life with that special someone. Also, you should create memories together. That's why you got married, right? I want to be with my future husband during fun times, challenging times, and exciting times.

I can think of a time when I am married where it will be fun, challenging, and exciting, all at the same time: when I'm pregnant. This will be a time when, as a married couple, my husband and I will become closer than we ever have been. In class this week, I learned how important it is to involve my future husband with as many prenatal and postnatal experiences as possible.

For example, let your husband experience the baby kicking. Let him be apart of the development and growth of the child you created together! I learned that many times fathers feel "left out" of the excitement and miracle of pregnancies. Obviously, they do not feel left out of the pregnancy part, but of the development part. Mothers develop a strong bond with each child during pregnancy and fathers miss out on that experience. It is important to include your husband in the experiences you will have when your pregnant because that is part of your life, and you chose to be in LIFE with your husband. So, share you life experiences with him!